Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Time out for yourself

January is always full of all sorts of resolutions. I have a huge one of my own. This time, this blog entry is about me. It isn't about my kids, or husband, or school systems, insurance companies, or anything else. 
I have put myself on the back burner for too long. It is time I take care of myself.
Like most moms, once motherhood hits, there are several things that are sacrificed. At first, these things are daily showers, sleeping in, and spur of the moment outings. For some mothers, new clothing purchases for themselves do not happen unless the clothing item is child focused.... (Think nursing bra). Other things like hair or nail salon visits stop. Moms are stretched and sagging, wrinkled and worn. Moms bounce back at different rates. Some are mostly back to themselves in 6 or so weeks, most are not. This mom is STILL no where near where she was.... Nearly 5 years later. 

I have given so much of myself and I have felt so lost, isolated and alone. I know I am not the only one who has felt this way at some point. My weight is less than desirable, and I can't say I was too thin before kids, but I have noticed that my only source of enjoyment is that moment I am stuffing my face with some sort of REALLY bad food. Then I feel guilty and undeserving, and reach again for something else to "make me happy". Wash, rinse, repeat. I know what I need to do and what works, but it requires a lifestyle change. I am very resistant to change. Somehow I must, because if I don't start now, I may not be around when I finally decide I am ready. 

I haven't had a professional color or highlight since 2008. I just recently began buying 28 day wash out boxed color after seeing more gray hairs than I can count. I haven't had a nail salon visit since I gave birth in 2011 and that last visit was my "push present" to myself.  Don't even get me started on clothing. I am glad and sad that I kept some clothing that was given to me in 2007.... Yes, that long ago... A friend was moving, had gastric bypass and didn't want to take her fat clothes with her. In 2007, they were at least 2 sizes too big, but I kept them because I feared how big I might get while pregnant and figured it couldn't hurt to use them during pregnancy. Guess what? They fit me now and I am not pregnant. That basically tells you how old and out of date the majority of my wardrobe is. 

Even with all of that, the number one most missed thing of my pre mommy days is my passion. My joy. My quiet time. Don't get me wrong, I love my children. I love them so much that I haven't been without a child around unless they absolutely couldn't be around... Like at a funeral recently.  I need to find something that is an adult activity that I can do alone. I also need to find some time without kids. Maybe it is time that I pay a sitter to watch the kids while I paint that coffee table I wanted to a few years ago. Maybe I sew some cute baby clothing, make my son that nap mat I have been meaning to make. Whatever it is, it is time I did something for myself. Maybe several somethings. 

2014 is MY year, MY time. I am reclaiming all that is my womanhood and self. I cannot be the best mother or wife I can be the way things are now. I need to love myself before I can love those around me effectively. Because I have a history of putting myself last, I am not going to just do these things on my own, so I am going to schedule it in. Call it a "me date". I am marking it on a calendar. it is time to find my balance. I deserve it. My husband deserves it. My children deserve it.